The Visitation
It was between the Feasts of Rosh HaShannah and Yom Kippur of 1993, and I had taught my first class. It was a Sunday night in September, and I was asleep.
I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, came back to bed and just lay there, peaceful and very much awake. Normally, I would lie awake and worry about whether or not I would fall back to sleep. Due to a persistent sleep disorder, it was very common for me to awaken between two and four a.m. and never get back to sleep. In those days, it did not occur to me to pray during these wakeful night hours. On this occasion I was not worried about how I would face the next day.
What happened next was so unfamiliar to my Christian or Jewish knowledge base that I had no vocabulary at the time to describe it. As I lay there with eyes open, thinking about nothing in particular, I was suddenly thrust into another realm; it was as if there were another “version” of myself, kneeling in fervent, intense prayer in some unknown location. I now believe that what the Apostle John describes as being “in the Spirit” is what seemed to be another version of myself (Rev 1:10). I was kneeling between two tall men whom I could not turn my head to study, but whom I saw out of my peripheral vision. They were standing resolutely on either side of me; I somehow knew that they had been interceding for me for hours and that because of their faithful and lengthy prayers for me, whatever I asked for in prayer at that moment would be instantly granted. My physical body was still lying on the bed, but I was more connected to the part of me that was kneeling between the two men.
I was praying with a desperation and intensity that I had never come close to praying in “real life,” where my prayers were at best, emotional, and at worst, lifeless. I knew that the moment I asked, it would be granted to me, but I had no decision-making capability as to what I should ask for. The prayer just burst out of my mouth, without premeditation:
“Oh, Lord, come to me!”
The second those words left my lips, He immediately answered them. His Presence came over me like a powerful cloud, surrounding and filling my mind and body with a thick and weighty euphoria that was completely unknown to me in the nineteen years I thought I had known Him. The effect on my body was wonderfully ecstatic and utterly unfamiliar and continued to increase in strength for what seemed like many minutes. For a while, I welcomed this Presence and prayed for more but as it grew, it began to frighten me with its relentless intensity. At some point, I felt my flesh “dissolve” under the power, and my legs seemed to turn to “Jello.”
During this period of time, I was aware of God communicating knowledge to me directly. I will attempt to convey in words the knowledge given to me while under this Presence:
“Do you think if you were standing right now, your legs would hold you up?”
“No.” (My answers were in thoughts, not words.) I saw the people at my church, standing in worship and singing to God.
“The people at your church, when they ask Me to come to them and reveal My glory to them, do you think they want Me to do to them what I AM doing to you right now?”
I felt sad, realizing that this experience was very uncomfortable and that most Christians would not want what they think they are asking for.
“No,” I answered.
“If I did this to them, would they still be standing up and singing songs?”
“No.” I saw the undignified scene of hundreds falling to the floor on their faces and realized it would be an embarrassment which would not be desired. What if visitors were driven away by this spectacle?
“When people ask Me to come, they do not know what they are asking for. They do not want the ‘real Me.’ This is what it feels like when the ‘real Me’ overshadows you. It is too intense and frightening, and My people do not actually want Me.”
Again, I felt His sadness that He was rejected by His own church due to the discomfort of being in His Manifest Presence. I knew that the biblical word in Hebrew for “Glory” is Kavod, which literally means heaviness or weight. It is indeed a weight capable of crushing our frail human frames if He so desired.
During this visitation, the Lord reminded me of my criticisms and judgments of the physical manifestations of the “Toronto Revival” which was a controversial topic at that time. Friends had sent me scholarly articles which disparaged these manifestations as unbiblical and even demonic. I myself had even made somewhat negative remarks about people being “slain in the Spirit.” Never, in my years of knowing Yeshua, had I ever felt a power even close to the point of being unable to stand. It had seemed like hype and emotional manipulation.
I knew that men of God fell down in His Presence in the Bible, but my life in Him was dry, full of “head knowledge” and devoid of power; therefore, I could only conclude that the “Toronto experience” was a movement bent on experiential extremism. Needless to say, through this experience, the Lord was ensuring that I would never again criticize that which I did not understand. Discernment would always continue to be an important part of my walk and teaching, but I would be much more humble and cautious in the future about criticizing another ministry without extensive understanding of the situation.
I then asked God two questions about what was happening. I was aware of lying in bed, overcome with the uselessness of my body, but I was also still kneeling between the two men, who were standing as steady as ever.
“Why aren’t the two men falling down? How can they keep standing with this power over us?” I did not receive an answer to this question. I now believe that “they” (angels or living saints in heaven) are accustomed to standing in the Glory and therefore, can bear to stand.
As my husband remained asleep next to me, my second question was, “If You are truly in this room at this level of power, how can Drew sleep peacefully through this?” His answer came:
“Two people can be lying in a bed, and My shadow can pass over one and not the other. Two people can be standing in a field, and my Cloud can cover one and not the other. I can make a distinction between people.”
When my fear had increased to the point that I felt that I would physically die under this unbearable power, I said, “Lord, I can’t take it anymore.” The moment this fearful prayer was uttered by my heart, His shadow began to pass over me, as a cloud is blown away on a windy day. He gradually left, and I came back to a sense of normalcy, lying in my bed; my legs were still disabled with a useless and tingly feeling for quite a while after His Presence departed. The kneeling version of me and the two faithful men did not seem to exist anymore.
When the morning came, I questioned what had happened to me. Did God really come into my room in such tremendous power that I thought I would die? If that was God, why was I terrified, and why did I send Him away? Should a person be afraid if it is our wonderful Lord? Could it have been Satan? I told Drew everything about the visitation, having no idea if he would believe me. He said that all of it sounded biblical. That was comforting to me, and I appreciated his support at a moment of questioning.
I wondered if I was supposed to share this experience with my regular class at church. I sensed in my spirit that this testimony was only to be shared when He prompted me to tell it and that it was not to be shared freely. As I got up to speak in the morning class, I was certain that I was not to share it at that time. But later that night, I had to teach a different group from the same church. I felt the Lord release me to share it in that class and I obeyed. It was well-received by leadership and was very helpful to at least one person in the room. While I was driving home that night, I knew with absolute certainty that this experience was real and was from God Himself. I have never questioned it since.
It would be eleven more years before I would experience His Glory again. During these long years, I would regret having asked Him to leave; I promised Him repeatedly that if He ever visited me again, I would never send Him away, even if it killed me. As Queen Esther said bravely, “If I perish, I perish.” To this day, I have kept my sacred promise to Him.
